Open letter to Colin:
Nothing that I say or do
Matters to the machine
Nothing that I think or feel
Matters to the machine
And if I'm dead when tomorrow's gone
The machine will just move on
-Mortiis, "Marshland"
-------
It's good to know that I can't make you as happy as a joint can. It's good to know that when your grandfather is on his deathbed and you say you really want to spend time with me since you can't be there, at the last minute you decide you'd rather smoke up.
It's good to know that after you promised me that you would quit for at least "several months," you didn't even have the strength of will to last one fucking month.
And it was especially great to hear you immediately jump into your usual excuses, the "I'm NOT escaping" and such, because in my experience people only do that when they know they're completely full of shit.
I don't think I'd even be so pissed if you hadn't said you'd want to see me last night. No offense, but I never believed for a minute that you had the willpower to last "several months" (however many that is in your opinion) in the first place. I have no problem with the occasional joint, as long as it doesn't start altering your life for the worse and you leave me out of those situations.
But I really have to draw the line at you saying that you want to see me really bad (especially since you didn't so much as call me the day before), and three hours later you call me and say you're going to smoke because you've all "been talking about it all night."
Did it never occur to you that maybe I might have wanted to see you, especially after you said you wanted to get together? Did it never occur to you that you made a huge deal out of promising to quit for several months, citing your past promises as collateral? Did it never occur to you that you do indeed know my feelings on these things? Did it never occur to you that your participation is not required? Just because there is pot in the room and I'm not there doesn't mean you can break two promises at once and think I'm going to be a-okay with it.
And even though you made the standard I-know-I'm-full-of-shit excuses, you still sounded like you didn't think I'd have any reason to be pissed off. I understand that you are potentially about to lose your grandfather, but when you choose to turn to an inanimate object over me for comfort, that takes the bloody fuckin' biscuit.
This is what? the fourth time you've ditched me to get fucked up? You know how much it hurts me when you pull shit like this, and yet you still do it. Do I really mean so little to you? Is this what you think love really is?
Before you love someone else, you have to love yourself. Even in a non-contractual, non-master/slave relationship, your body does still partially belong to the other person, in a sense. You know exactly what I mean here- I've read your poem about what'serface the heroin addict girl. And you'd be more than a little upset if I started intentionally doing things to harm myself.
I know you get pissed when I put off doing my homework. Or at least you did at one point. How am I supposed to feel when only a day or so after you say that you want to develop the strength of will to stop doing something that doesn't even bother me all that much (staying out late), you lack the will not to do something that you know hurts me? Would it have really been so hard to tell Cin and Leeny (if you two are reading this now, I have no problem with you guys) that you told me you'd hang out with me tonight, and you could all hang out some other time? Would Angus have refused to take you over to Denny's so we could at least hang out for an hour or two, and you could all do whatever later?
These people do not run your life. No one, not even me, can rightfully tell you what to do. I just find it rather hard to take that you thought it a better idea to tell me you won't be seeing me tonight because you've all elected to smoke up than to see me for an hour or two beforehand.
Do you really feel such a strong need to fit in that you'll cave to whatever everyone else is doing even if you know it hurts me? Even if you promised me you wouldn't do it? Even when I go without things I want to do because I know it would hurt you were I to go through with them?
Do you think it doesn't bother me if I'm not around to see it? Do you think that I'm just going to sit quietly while you try to develop the willpower to develop willpower and fail because you can't stand the thought of not fitting in, of standing up for yourself and your beliefs, of being your own person?
How is it that you can continue to do this, when you've been on my end and you know how it feels to watch someone try to change their lives for the better and never quite go through with it?
Or have I been overestimating my worth to you by assuming you even care about my opinion?
Matters to the machine
Nothing that I think or feel
Matters to the machine
And if I'm dead when tomorrow's gone
The machine will just move on
-Mortiis, "Marshland"
-------
It's good to know that I can't make you as happy as a joint can. It's good to know that when your grandfather is on his deathbed and you say you really want to spend time with me since you can't be there, at the last minute you decide you'd rather smoke up.
It's good to know that after you promised me that you would quit for at least "several months," you didn't even have the strength of will to last one fucking month.
And it was especially great to hear you immediately jump into your usual excuses, the "I'm NOT escaping" and such, because in my experience people only do that when they know they're completely full of shit.
I don't think I'd even be so pissed if you hadn't said you'd want to see me last night. No offense, but I never believed for a minute that you had the willpower to last "several months" (however many that is in your opinion) in the first place. I have no problem with the occasional joint, as long as it doesn't start altering your life for the worse and you leave me out of those situations.
But I really have to draw the line at you saying that you want to see me really bad (especially since you didn't so much as call me the day before), and three hours later you call me and say you're going to smoke because you've all "been talking about it all night."
Did it never occur to you that maybe I might have wanted to see you, especially after you said you wanted to get together? Did it never occur to you that you made a huge deal out of promising to quit for several months, citing your past promises as collateral? Did it never occur to you that you do indeed know my feelings on these things? Did it never occur to you that your participation is not required? Just because there is pot in the room and I'm not there doesn't mean you can break two promises at once and think I'm going to be a-okay with it.
And even though you made the standard I-know-I'm-full-of-shit excuses, you still sounded like you didn't think I'd have any reason to be pissed off. I understand that you are potentially about to lose your grandfather, but when you choose to turn to an inanimate object over me for comfort, that takes the bloody fuckin' biscuit.
This is what? the fourth time you've ditched me to get fucked up? You know how much it hurts me when you pull shit like this, and yet you still do it. Do I really mean so little to you? Is this what you think love really is?
Before you love someone else, you have to love yourself. Even in a non-contractual, non-master/slave relationship, your body does still partially belong to the other person, in a sense. You know exactly what I mean here- I've read your poem about what'serface the heroin addict girl. And you'd be more than a little upset if I started intentionally doing things to harm myself.
I know you get pissed when I put off doing my homework. Or at least you did at one point. How am I supposed to feel when only a day or so after you say that you want to develop the strength of will to stop doing something that doesn't even bother me all that much (staying out late), you lack the will not to do something that you know hurts me? Would it have really been so hard to tell Cin and Leeny (if you two are reading this now, I have no problem with you guys) that you told me you'd hang out with me tonight, and you could all hang out some other time? Would Angus have refused to take you over to Denny's so we could at least hang out for an hour or two, and you could all do whatever later?
These people do not run your life. No one, not even me, can rightfully tell you what to do. I just find it rather hard to take that you thought it a better idea to tell me you won't be seeing me tonight because you've all elected to smoke up than to see me for an hour or two beforehand.
Do you really feel such a strong need to fit in that you'll cave to whatever everyone else is doing even if you know it hurts me? Even if you promised me you wouldn't do it? Even when I go without things I want to do because I know it would hurt you were I to go through with them?
Do you think it doesn't bother me if I'm not around to see it? Do you think that I'm just going to sit quietly while you try to develop the willpower to develop willpower and fail because you can't stand the thought of not fitting in, of standing up for yourself and your beliefs, of being your own person?
How is it that you can continue to do this, when you've been on my end and you know how it feels to watch someone try to change their lives for the better and never quite go through with it?
Or have I been overestimating my worth to you by assuming you even care about my opinion?
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