The silent love affair

I've always been one to believe that when it comes to physicality in a relationship, less is more and keeps things interesting. Hence, my affection for what I refer to as "silent love affairs."

I have had at least one of these every year since sophomore year. What happens is, there's someone you pass in the halls every day at the same time, and they're pretty good looking and you think the same about them. But neither of you has the balls to actually SAY anything to the other, and so all you do is lock eyes and maintain eye contact until you pass each other. Because you know, deep down, that if you even said hi, it would all be shot and there'd be nothing left.

In junior year, my SLA was with a kid whose name I don't know; I've only ever referred to him as "garage boy" because he looked like he should be in a band like the Vines or something. He had shoulder-length, shaggy brown hair, and the cutest fucking bucktoothed smile you'd ever seen. He had gym the same period as me, and his bus was next to mine after school. We'd stare at each other, and after a while, stupid me had to ruffle his hair. I couldn't resist, he had some fantastic hair. He nodded, and continued walking. A week or so later, in the buses, he wrote on a paper "I [heart] U" and held it up. Stupid me just wrote a smiley face. He looked devastated, and we never looked again.

Garage boy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Really.

But anyway, next year it was this guy Myrrick Liontonia. He was in the dance troupe and was built like fuck. He had kinda long, fro-ey hair and I think he was biracial (biracial guys are HAWT). Later, he unknowingly brought me and my friend Cassie together- she offhandedly mentioned him once and I was like OMSHIT HE'S SO HOT and the rest is history. She's one of three friends from high school that I've kept up with outside of the internet. Myrrick turned out to be a mean-ass fucktard (someone told him that Cassie had a crush on him, and he laughed so hard he almost passed out). So much for that.

This year it's some guy who is either biracial or light-skinned black, and dresses gother than goth. I think the only reason I looked at him was because I seriously thought it was Acid Steve, they look that much alike. I don't know his name. All I know is that I started losing interest in that one after he started talking to me- said he liked my pants, and gave me a flier for his band. Looking just isn't the same after there's been talking. Since we started a new quarter, I haven't seen him as often. Today was the first day I've seen him in weeks, and I was getting off the L as he was getting on so he didn't even see me.

I can't even describe what the "just looking" is like to someone who's never been in this kind of quasi-relationship. It's like when in middle school and you're just getting over cooties, and you see that one guy/girl in the halls and you're like OMG IS HE LOOKING AT ME OMG HE IS OMGOMG except without the stress. It's the same feeling you get though, square in the chest. And if there's ever anything more, it'd be like killing the goose that laid the golden egg- you think there's going to be a ton more, but it's all gone and there won't even be a little more ever again. In theory, someone could just walk up and kiss the other, and that would probably be the hottest kiss ever but you'd be throwing it all away just for that. You can't go back to just staring after something like that. Even if you kissed every time you passed in the halls, it wouldn't be the same. It'd be old shit and you'd have to move on. Not worth it.