A thousand ways to piss off your barista
Hey guys, remember me? Well I quit McDonald's and the costume shop finally went under after Christmas, so I work at Starbucks now.
1. Walk up to the bar area where the drinks are handed off, and get pissy that no one is taking your order.
Please people, look around for the CASH REGISTER, and stand THERE. Have you never purchased anything in your life? People did this all the time at the costume shop too... they'd stand at the makeup counter, no register in sight, and get PISSED when no one rang them up.
"I AM *WAITING* TO BE RUNG UP!!!1"
"Well, just step down here to the REGISTER, ma'am..." ^__^
"....oh."
2. Order as slowly as humanly possible
"I'll have a tall.......... decaf.............. nonfat..................no foam............................. upside-down.................... extra caramel........................................................................................... caramel macchiato." Not only are the long pauses insulting, but we can't enter in a drink without knowing the size and what kind of drink. "I'll have a tall caramel macchiato, decaf, nonfat, no foam, upside down with extra caramel" is fine.
3. Try to be "cool"
"I'll have a grande caramel mach." NO. NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO AND FUCK YOU WITH ACID-BASED LUBE. I tear my fucking hair out every time someone says this.
4. Act like we don't understand sizes besides tall-grande-venti
"I'll have a medium- oh, sorry, a GRAAAAAAANDE latte." Insult me a little more, jackass.
4b. Bitch about the sizes
"What the hell is venti? Huh? Seriously, blah blah blah" Shut the fuck up. Also, the "Fritalian" Jokester McGees can fuck off and die now. As my dad put it, "Come on, marketing people need to make a living somehow."
5. Come in with no/generic Midwestern accent, then say "grande latte" with a crisp fake Italian accent
It's only happened once, but it was retarded enough to merit a mention here. Seriously, just don't.
And no, she was not joking around.
6. Butcher the pronunciation of "macchiato" six times in my ear in drive-thru
"I'll have a grande, what the fuck is that? Mashiata? Mashiatti? Mackiatti? What the hell?"
MA-KEE-A-TOE. Not hard. If you must mispronounce it once, I could really give a fuck, but to do it repeatedly and not get it right even once is a bit much.
7. Ask me to remake your cappuccino because it's too wet, watch me remake it dry for you, don't say anything while I am pouring it even as I look at you for approval, then when I hand it to you lift them both to test and then TAKE THE FIRST ONE.
Enough said.
7b. Order more than three cappuccinos during a rush
Cappuccinos are a pain in the fucking ass to make, and here's why:
For each drink, you need to steam a fresh pitcher of milk. This takes time. You cannot re-steam the foam from the last pitcher, the foam won't be right. We cannot let it sit there and steam while we do other things, you have to hold it and pull it down for a bit so the foam gets poofy. If you order more than a couple, you WILL be holding up the line. As a matter of fact, I just might make the drinks for the people behind you first so they won't have to wait as a result of your prissy bitchery. (our store has that retarded new layout where there is one person barring for front and drivethru, so if someone comes in and orders six fucking cappuccinos, yes, that has happened, they are holding up front AND drivethru.)
8. Bitch about prices
This goes for ANYWHERE. When will you assholes understand that as a universal fucking rule, NO ONE AT THE STORE LEVEL OF ANY MAJOR CORPORATION HAS A GODDAMN THING TO DO WITH SETTING PRICES AND DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO CHANGE THEM?!! Jesus Henry Christ, put some thought into this!
9. Refuse to open your window all the way because it's OMGZ SO COLD
CUT IT OUT. I'm hanging out this window for eight goddamn hours and I don't even have a coat. You're sitting in your warm car all bundled up, it won't kill you to open your window wide enough to admit the venti clusterfuckaccino you just could not be arsed to get out of your car for.
10. Pay for your $1.69 tall coffee with a fifty or hundred
Our $20s are kept in small safes that we can't open. So no, we can't break that with $20s. I can, however, give you a fat handful of fives and singles. :D Enjoy!
11. Give me trash to throw out for you in drivethru
A) Health code violation
B) THERE IS A FUCKING TRASHCAN TEN FEET AHEAD OF YOU, FOR FUCKSAKES
12. Come through drivethru yapping on your cell phone
This causes a multitude of problems.
I can't tell if you're talking to me or the person on the other end, you're not paying attention, I can hear everything you fucking say, and you are liable to ignore me when I repeat the order back to you, the order that you don't even remember the contents of because you're telling Trishelle about your new shoes, and then you are going to bitch at me that the order is wrong even though BOTH times I read it back to you you okayed it, because YOUR GHETTO ASS WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
I seriously think we need to start refusing service to people who come through drivethru while on their cellphones. Not only does it cause the aforementioned problems, but they're also breaking the law :D
13. Come through drivethru with a van full of kids and don't think to ask them what they want until you are at the speaker
This was the only time I have ever turned off my headset and asked the shift if we could tell people to get out of line until they knew what they wanted. She was there at the speaker for TEN FUCKING MINUTES, asking an entire fucking peewee hockey team (sounded like it anyway) what they wanted, asking what each individual drink was, etc etc.
DIE.
14. Order a drink with a ton of complicated-ass modifiers, some of which can only be entered into the register as "ASK ME," then pull away before I can confirm the order
You thought you were saving time! But now the barista can't make your drink until you are at the window and I can make sure I got all that shit in right! HAHAHA!
Besides, pulling away before I can even say anything is fucking rude.
1. Walk up to the bar area where the drinks are handed off, and get pissy that no one is taking your order.
Please people, look around for the CASH REGISTER, and stand THERE. Have you never purchased anything in your life? People did this all the time at the costume shop too... they'd stand at the makeup counter, no register in sight, and get PISSED when no one rang them up.
"I AM *WAITING* TO BE RUNG UP!!!1"
"Well, just step down here to the REGISTER, ma'am..." ^__^
"....oh."
2. Order as slowly as humanly possible
"I'll have a tall.......... decaf.............. nonfat..................no foam............................. upside-down.................... extra caramel........................................................................................... caramel macchiato." Not only are the long pauses insulting, but we can't enter in a drink without knowing the size and what kind of drink. "I'll have a tall caramel macchiato, decaf, nonfat, no foam, upside down with extra caramel" is fine.
3. Try to be "cool"
"I'll have a grande caramel mach." NO. NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO AND FUCK YOU WITH ACID-BASED LUBE. I tear my fucking hair out every time someone says this.
4. Act like we don't understand sizes besides tall-grande-venti
"I'll have a medium- oh, sorry, a GRAAAAAAANDE latte." Insult me a little more, jackass.
4b. Bitch about the sizes
"What the hell is venti? Huh? Seriously, blah blah blah" Shut the fuck up. Also, the "Fritalian" Jokester McGees can fuck off and die now. As my dad put it, "Come on, marketing people need to make a living somehow."
5. Come in with no/generic Midwestern accent, then say "grande latte" with a crisp fake Italian accent
It's only happened once, but it was retarded enough to merit a mention here. Seriously, just don't.
And no, she was not joking around.
6. Butcher the pronunciation of "macchiato" six times in my ear in drive-thru
"I'll have a grande, what the fuck is that? Mashiata? Mashiatti? Mackiatti? What the hell?"
MA-KEE-A-TOE. Not hard. If you must mispronounce it once, I could really give a fuck, but to do it repeatedly and not get it right even once is a bit much.
7. Ask me to remake your cappuccino because it's too wet, watch me remake it dry for you, don't say anything while I am pouring it even as I look at you for approval, then when I hand it to you lift them both to test and then TAKE THE FIRST ONE.
Enough said.
7b. Order more than three cappuccinos during a rush
Cappuccinos are a pain in the fucking ass to make, and here's why:
For each drink, you need to steam a fresh pitcher of milk. This takes time. You cannot re-steam the foam from the last pitcher, the foam won't be right. We cannot let it sit there and steam while we do other things, you have to hold it and pull it down for a bit so the foam gets poofy. If you order more than a couple, you WILL be holding up the line. As a matter of fact, I just might make the drinks for the people behind you first so they won't have to wait as a result of your prissy bitchery. (our store has that retarded new layout where there is one person barring for front and drivethru, so if someone comes in and orders six fucking cappuccinos, yes, that has happened, they are holding up front AND drivethru.)
8. Bitch about prices
This goes for ANYWHERE. When will you assholes understand that as a universal fucking rule, NO ONE AT THE STORE LEVEL OF ANY MAJOR CORPORATION HAS A GODDAMN THING TO DO WITH SETTING PRICES AND DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO CHANGE THEM?!! Jesus Henry Christ, put some thought into this!
9. Refuse to open your window all the way because it's OMGZ SO COLD
CUT IT OUT. I'm hanging out this window for eight goddamn hours and I don't even have a coat. You're sitting in your warm car all bundled up, it won't kill you to open your window wide enough to admit the venti clusterfuckaccino you just could not be arsed to get out of your car for.
10. Pay for your $1.69 tall coffee with a fifty or hundred
Our $20s are kept in small safes that we can't open. So no, we can't break that with $20s. I can, however, give you a fat handful of fives and singles. :D Enjoy!
11. Give me trash to throw out for you in drivethru
A) Health code violation
B) THERE IS A FUCKING TRASHCAN TEN FEET AHEAD OF YOU, FOR FUCKSAKES
12. Come through drivethru yapping on your cell phone
This causes a multitude of problems.
I can't tell if you're talking to me or the person on the other end, you're not paying attention, I can hear everything you fucking say, and you are liable to ignore me when I repeat the order back to you, the order that you don't even remember the contents of because you're telling Trishelle about your new shoes, and then you are going to bitch at me that the order is wrong even though BOTH times I read it back to you you okayed it, because YOUR GHETTO ASS WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
I seriously think we need to start refusing service to people who come through drivethru while on their cellphones. Not only does it cause the aforementioned problems, but they're also breaking the law :D
13. Come through drivethru with a van full of kids and don't think to ask them what they want until you are at the speaker
This was the only time I have ever turned off my headset and asked the shift if we could tell people to get out of line until they knew what they wanted. She was there at the speaker for TEN FUCKING MINUTES, asking an entire fucking peewee hockey team (sounded like it anyway) what they wanted, asking what each individual drink was, etc etc.
DIE.
14. Order a drink with a ton of complicated-ass modifiers, some of which can only be entered into the register as "ASK ME," then pull away before I can confirm the order
You thought you were saving time! But now the barista can't make your drink until you are at the window and I can make sure I got all that shit in right! HAHAHA!
Besides, pulling away before I can even say anything is fucking rude.
