Dear Everyone
Stop telling me jokes.
Please. I ask this for your comfort as well as mine.
I am 21 years old and have worked in customer service since I was 16. During those five years, not ONE customer has told me a single joke that made me genuinely laugh. NOT ONE. And I say this as someone who died laughing when my friend yelled out "HEY GUYS! I HEAR THIS MOVIE IS RATED ARRRRRRRRRR!" at the Dead Man's Chest premiere. I routinely remember jokes someone told me five years ago and start laughing out of nowhere. It is really, really, spectacularly not hard to make me laugh. And yet you've all failed.
I'm not sure if it's that you people aren't funny, or if it's that you think service employees are some Untermenschen race of monkeys in bellhop uniforms masquerading as humans and all it takes to amuse us is "I'll have a GRANDE VENTI LATTE FRAPPUCCINO BUT I WANT IT HOT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" as I stare at you and wonder if I should continue to stare or force out a laugh.
The first person I ever rung up at Starbucks, EVER, said, "I'll have a tall grande..." with a big retarded HAHA I AM SO FUNNEY! shiteating grin on his face. When met with nothing more than an arched eyebrow, he made the no-you're-not-getting-it gesture with both hands and repeated "I'll HAVE A TALL GRANDE" with the same grin that makes you want to beat people upside the head with a tire iron. My approximate response: "eh heh heh... what can I get for you?" Sufficiently disheartened, he placed his actual order.
It would absolutely make my LIFE if we were allowed to merely tell customers that they aren't funny. Not insult them or be outright rude, just a simple "You aren't funny!" with a grin to match theirs. Or even just politely shoot them down. No more will your ego be inflated by a clerk's false laughter! YOU AREN'T FUNNY! And now everyone behind you knows too!
"Hey, how come you're so tired, aren't you like totally wired all the time HAHAHAHAHA"
"Actually, I'm a little tired because I've worked seven hours today without a break!* :DDDDD"
".....oh. D:"
I know, I'm an enormous jerk. But this isn't half as bad as it was at McDonald's; here I merely want to deflate egos as opposed to mow down a lobby full of people with a Kalashnikov.
Back on the subject of false laughter: Can't we all tell by adulthood when people are only pretending to be amused? It's not hard to spot a forced smile or laugh. Are you people really that fucking dense or do you get some perverse kick out of making some serf laugh at your "joke" for no reason other than their only other choice is to get in trouble? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.
*I actually did do this on Sunday (work seven hours without a break, not shoot someone down). This is apparently not illegal but it is against company policy. I did not complain, matter of fact I would have worked the full nine hours of my shift without a break just to say I did it and to shatter my old record instead of merely tying it. It was ridiculously busy (we did $1,600 by noon which is insane for us) with three people on the floor (ideally we'd have five maybe), one of whom was new. Crazy day and I was glad as hell to go home.
Please. I ask this for your comfort as well as mine.
I am 21 years old and have worked in customer service since I was 16. During those five years, not ONE customer has told me a single joke that made me genuinely laugh. NOT ONE. And I say this as someone who died laughing when my friend yelled out "HEY GUYS! I HEAR THIS MOVIE IS RATED ARRRRRRRRRR!" at the Dead Man's Chest premiere. I routinely remember jokes someone told me five years ago and start laughing out of nowhere. It is really, really, spectacularly not hard to make me laugh. And yet you've all failed.
I'm not sure if it's that you people aren't funny, or if it's that you think service employees are some Untermenschen race of monkeys in bellhop uniforms masquerading as humans and all it takes to amuse us is "I'll have a GRANDE VENTI LATTE FRAPPUCCINO BUT I WANT IT HOT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" as I stare at you and wonder if I should continue to stare or force out a laugh.
The first person I ever rung up at Starbucks, EVER, said, "I'll have a tall grande..." with a big retarded HAHA I AM SO FUNNEY! shiteating grin on his face. When met with nothing more than an arched eyebrow, he made the no-you're-not-getting-it gesture with both hands and repeated "I'll HAVE A TALL GRANDE" with the same grin that makes you want to beat people upside the head with a tire iron. My approximate response: "eh heh heh... what can I get for you?" Sufficiently disheartened, he placed his actual order.
It would absolutely make my LIFE if we were allowed to merely tell customers that they aren't funny. Not insult them or be outright rude, just a simple "You aren't funny!" with a grin to match theirs. Or even just politely shoot them down. No more will your ego be inflated by a clerk's false laughter! YOU AREN'T FUNNY! And now everyone behind you knows too!
"Hey, how come you're so tired, aren't you like totally wired all the time HAHAHAHAHA"
"Actually, I'm a little tired because I've worked seven hours today without a break!* :DDDDD"
".....oh. D:"
I know, I'm an enormous jerk. But this isn't half as bad as it was at McDonald's; here I merely want to deflate egos as opposed to mow down a lobby full of people with a Kalashnikov.
Back on the subject of false laughter: Can't we all tell by adulthood when people are only pretending to be amused? It's not hard to spot a forced smile or laugh. Are you people really that fucking dense or do you get some perverse kick out of making some serf laugh at your "joke" for no reason other than their only other choice is to get in trouble? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.
*I actually did do this on Sunday (work seven hours without a break, not shoot someone down). This is apparently not illegal but it is against company policy. I did not complain, matter of fact I would have worked the full nine hours of my shift without a break just to say I did it and to shatter my old record instead of merely tying it. It was ridiculously busy (we did $1,600 by noon which is insane for us) with three people on the floor (ideally we'd have five maybe), one of whom was new. Crazy day and I was glad as hell to go home.
