Me? Pay for things? Surely you jest.

*drivethru beeeep*
Me: *spiel*
Cuntbucket: I'll have a venti decaf coffee, half 2% milk.
Me: Do you want a misto then? It's half coffee, half steamed milk so the milk won't make your coffee cold ^____^ [yes, I DO project that face over the headset]
Cuntbucket: NO!!!!1 I JUST WANT THE MILK, I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT!!

Stop. Take a breath. Let that sink in. Someone, a GROWN ASS WOMAN at that, actually uttered the phrase

I JUST WANT THE MILK, I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT

in seriousness, as if wanting and expecting to get things without paying for them is a perfectly normal and acceptable part of daily life. It was all I could do not to say, "Well ma'am, I'd like to do my undergrad in Tokyo and not pay a dime for it, but unfortunately for us both, that's not the way the fucking world works."

And then when she got to the window, she bitched to Bryan about how people have the gall to charge her for a tall latte's worth of milk. At this point I relocated myself to the bathroom Melissa was cleaning at the time and bitched myself. I wonder how it feels to go about with a sense of entitlement that would make Paris Hilton shit a cat.

This is where Starbucks is flawed. How much of our ridiculous prices are due to this shit, the Just Say Yes policy which dictates us to bend over and fucking take it when customers STEAL from us because GOD FUCKING FORBID someone should ever have their precious widdle feewings hurt? Partners can't have a tall caramel apple spice for reasons that have never been made clear to fucking ANYONE, but customers can walk off with two bucks of milk?

Well hell, I figured it was ok because the 40-degree milk would make her coffee luke-fucking-warm anyway and her council-house facelift was an abject failure. Enjoy your room-temperature coffee-and-milk slurry, you daffy bitch, and have a nice motherfucking night.

Losing faith in humanity, one trainee at a time

Owing to massive, ridiculous turnover in the store, we now have a massive ridiculous number of new hires working. At any given time, MAYBE two people on the floor have any idea what they're doing. Usually only one. Sometimes none. Hell, we don't even have enough shift supervisors to have one on the floor at all times.

So this means that in addition to whatever it is I'm already doing (which today was taking drive orders, getting brewed coffee for drive, and all fraps and iced teas), I've gotta handle babysitting the new kids and sometimes you'd think this shit was rocket science.

One trainee, to whom I shall henceforth refer as Old Broad because that's what she is, has as of yesterday not made an INCH of progress on cold bar since the last time I worked with her on it, TWO WEEKS AGO. This is something most people have down in a couple days, and she still needs me to hold her hand to make a goddamn caramel frappuccino.

Me: Okay, so it gets coffee frap base to the first line on the blender there...
OB: *grabs creme base*
Me: .... no, coffee base, with the brown lid...
OB: *grabs coffee base, proceeds to pour it as if it were high-molar acid and I had a gun to her head, all the while looking to me for approval like a kicked puppy* Now what?
Me: *thinking "oh god you have got to be kidding me"* It gets one pump of caramel syrup.
OB: *takes forgoddamnever to read all the syrup labels, her hand quivering like Ozzy Osbourne's* *pumps mocha into blender*
Me: ..... that's mocha.

Wash, rinse and repeat. Dear my SM, stop hiring middle-aged spinsters, they invariably quit before they even finish their training anyway. I know they love the Jesus just as much as you do, but really, they're fucking useless.

Also: Why does anybody need to be told to A) fill the dome lid space with whipped cream and B) not use nasty liquidy dead whipped cream? Seriously.

We've got another new kid that I'll call Wunderkind because everyone just LOVES this kid. "He's learning so fast! He's going to be AWESOME!" Wunderkind worked DT register today.

Wunderkind:
1. Forgot to give FOUR people their change in HIS FIRST HOUR
2. Somehow managed to get his tickets completely out of order on his register. You pretty much have to TRY to do this. I still don't know how he managed to not only get them out of order in the first place, but KEEP them there for almost the duration of his shift.
3. Generally annoyed the living piss out of me

Don't get me wrong, he's an okay guy and I'm glad he out of all the new kids is coming with me to the new store (SUNDAY IS MY LAST DAY AT THIS STORE YES YES), but HOLY. BALLS.

I know I'm probably coming off as a horrid bitch, but I'm not mean to them or anything and I'm all smiles in person, but SERIOUSLY. I cannot stress this enough: This is not fucking rocket science. I swear to pizza it is not all that difficult. Especially not cold bar, where there is a poster conveniently located for your convenience that TELLS YOU HOW TO MAKE EVERY FUCKING DRINK.

This is really my main concern with becoming a shift. At this point, there is no way in hell I have the patience to train people. Because people are too goddamned stupid.

-----------------------

Yep, I'm finally transferring stores! There's a new store opening up that's not really any closer, but it'll be helmed by someone who's been with the company for years and generally seems pretty cool. Frankly, I'd be happy with anyone who had half a clue what they were doing, personality be damned.

Going with me will be my favoritest shift and Wunderkind so far, and two others have expressed interest in going but haven't hit six months yet. And even if they had, if they did go that would leave this store without enough people to even run. Have I mentioned how high the turnover is? These are my other two favorite people in the store, and I hope to hell they can eventually make it over.

-----------------------

I had my 6 month performance review not too long ago. About two months late.

The basic jist of it was as follows: "Hano, you are a standards nazi and do everything right, but you do not participate in the in-house rumor mill to our satisfaction and refuse to kiss Shift J's flabby ass and we will call this 'needs to increase rapport with fellow partners,' so here's a 1.85 which we will round up to a 2 so we can push you off on the other store and get rid of your ass. Bitch."

:D Thanks, you jackass excuse for an SM, I love you too. Thanks for giving me the best shift to take with me! Enjoy that ridiculous turnover due to Shift J's dramamongering and cuntery in conjunction with your blistering, seething incompetence.

Children of the Damned Day at the Brain Institute

Today:

1. A customer ordered an iced venti no-water Americano and a venti caramel macchiato. My SM rang it in as a venti Americano and a venti caramel mocha. And since we're a label store and I couldn't hear the man order (I always wear a DT headset), I had to remake both drinks. ><

2. I had to stop my store manager from making a Cafe Vanilla frap with vanilla syrup. It gets vanilla powder, which is conveniently located at the frap bar. To get to the vanilla syrup (which is not used in ANY frappuccino), you have to go out of your way to the espresso bar. This is not even the first time I've had to stop him from doing this. The first time was back in November, when someone ordered a Cafe Vanilla and my SM proceeded to completely ignore the CAFVN button on the register and ring them in for a plain coffee frappuccino, add vanilla syrup. This tastes different and is also completely fucking wrong, and he did not believe me until I pointed out the correct recipe to him on the recipe poster by the frap bar AND in the Beverage Resource Manual. And he STILL does it. "Oh, I always forget that!" How in the hell do you get it in your head like that in the first damn place?

3. I had to remind my store manager of the existence of Coffee Light frap base. What makes this interesting is this: the guy ordered a Cinnamon Dolce "nonfat" frap, so I start to make a cinnamon dolce light. I hear SM say "Well, we have nonfat CREME base, but not coffee base." I keep on making it and holler "WE HAVE COFFEE LIGHT BASE!"

4. The woman at drivethru needed a tall vanilla bean frappuccino. SM proceeded to pick up the grande cinnamon dolce light frappuccino, call it to her as a tall vanilla bean (despite the label on the cup clearly saying cinnamon dolce), and hand it to her.

My SM mistook something grande size, brown and whipless for something tall size, white, and with whip.

Welcome to my Starbucks.

also, shoutout to IFM , who is finally updating his own goddamn blog as I type this.

Dear Everyone

Stop telling me jokes.

Please. I ask this for your comfort as well as mine.

I am 21 years old and have worked in customer service since I was 16. During those five years, not ONE customer has told me a single joke that made me genuinely laugh. NOT ONE. And I say this as someone who died laughing when my friend yelled out "HEY GUYS! I HEAR THIS MOVIE IS RATED ARRRRRRRRRR!" at the Dead Man's Chest premiere. I routinely remember jokes someone told me five years ago and start laughing out of nowhere. It is really, really, spectacularly not hard to make me laugh. And yet you've all failed.

I'm not sure if it's that you people aren't funny, or if it's that you think service employees are some Untermenschen race of monkeys in bellhop uniforms masquerading as humans and all it takes to amuse us is "I'll have a GRANDE VENTI LATTE FRAPPUCCINO BUT I WANT IT HOT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" as I stare at you and wonder if I should continue to stare or force out a laugh.

The first person I ever rung up at Starbucks, EVER, said, "I'll have a tall grande..." with a big retarded HAHA I AM SO FUNNEY! shiteating grin on his face. When met with nothing more than an arched eyebrow, he made the no-you're-not-getting-it gesture with both hands and repeated "I'll HAVE A TALL GRANDE" with the same grin that makes you want to beat people upside the head with a tire iron. My approximate response: "eh heh heh... what can I get for you?" Sufficiently disheartened, he placed his actual order.

It would absolutely make my LIFE if we were allowed to merely tell customers that they aren't funny. Not insult them or be outright rude, just a simple "You aren't funny!" with a grin to match theirs. Or even just politely shoot them down. No more will your ego be inflated by a clerk's false laughter! YOU AREN'T FUNNY! And now everyone behind you knows too!

"Hey, how come you're so tired, aren't you like totally wired all the time HAHAHAHAHA"

"Actually, I'm a little tired because I've worked seven hours today without a break!* :DDDDD"

".....oh. D:"

I know, I'm an enormous jerk. But this isn't half as bad as it was at McDonald's; here I merely want to deflate egos as opposed to mow down a lobby full of people with a Kalashnikov.

Back on the subject of false laughter: Can't we all tell by adulthood when people are only pretending to be amused? It's not hard to spot a forced smile or laugh. Are you people really that fucking dense or do you get some perverse kick out of making some serf laugh at your "joke" for no reason other than their only other choice is to get in trouble? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.

*I actually did do this on Sunday (work seven hours without a break, not shoot someone down). This is apparently not illegal but it is against company policy. I did not complain, matter of fact I would have worked the full nine hours of my shift without a break just to say I did it and to shatter my old record instead of merely tying it. It was ridiculously busy (we did $1,600 by noon which is insane for us) with three people on the floor (ideally we'd have five maybe), one of whom was new. Crazy day and I was glad as hell to go home.

I'M BACK, WHORES

And still superior to you in every way.

Today as I walked in the door, the shift (borrowed from another store) was telling us how we TOTALLY SHOULDN'T be using the Juicy Raspberry syrup yet because HOMG IT'S NOT TILL THE NEXT PHASE and NOT IN THE INVENTORY and BAD BAD BAD! Never mind the Just Say Yes policy still being in full effect, DON'T USE IT EVER!

He then proceeded to make my iced tea lemonade directly into the cup (they're made in shakers like mixed drinks) and make a dairy frappuccino in the non-dairy pitcher (MAJOR food safety/allergy issue). I called him on it and he then denied that the coffee-base frappuccinos are dairy, even though milk is the first ingredient on the box.

After a bit I realized why he looked familiar to me: THIS IS THE GUY FROM JOLIET WHO TRAINED ME.

WHAT THE HELL

----------------------

Actual drive-thru exchange:

DT Girl: *spiel*
Lady: YEAH I'LL HAVE A TEA LEMONADE (caps because she was yelling)
DTG: What size will that be
L: UM I DUNNO MEDIUM
DTG: And what kind of tea; black, Passion, or Zen?
L: LEMONADE
DTG: I know, but what kind of tea do you want in it?
L: IT'S A TEA LEMONADE!
DTG: Right, but what kind of tea do you want in it?
L: .............................OH, YOU GET TO PICK THE FLAVOR?

A thousand ways to piss off your barista

Hey guys, remember me? Well I quit McDonald's and the costume shop finally went under after Christmas, so I work at Starbucks now.

1. Walk up to the bar area where the drinks are handed off, and get pissy that no one is taking your order.

Please people, look around for the CASH REGISTER, and stand THERE. Have you never purchased anything in your life? People did this all the time at the costume shop too... they'd stand at the makeup counter, no register in sight, and get PISSED when no one rang them up.

"I AM *WAITING* TO BE RUNG UP!!!1"
"Well, just step down here to the REGISTER, ma'am..." ^__^
"....oh."

2. Order as slowly as humanly possible

"I'll have a tall.......... decaf.............. nonfat..................no foam............................. upside-down.................... extra caramel........................................................................................... caramel macchiato." Not only are the long pauses insulting, but we can't enter in a drink without knowing the size and what kind of drink. "I'll have a tall caramel macchiato, decaf, nonfat, no foam, upside down with extra caramel" is fine.

3. Try to be "cool"

"I'll have a grande caramel mach." NO. NO. A THOUSAND TIMES NO AND FUCK YOU WITH ACID-BASED LUBE. I tear my fucking hair out every time someone says this.

4. Act like we don't understand sizes besides tall-grande-venti

"I'll have a medium- oh, sorry, a GRAAAAAAANDE latte." Insult me a little more, jackass.

4b. Bitch about the sizes

"What the hell is venti? Huh? Seriously, blah blah blah" Shut the fuck up. Also, the "Fritalian" Jokester McGees can fuck off and die now. As my dad put it, "Come on, marketing people need to make a living somehow."

5. Come in with no/generic Midwestern accent, then say "grande latte" with a crisp fake Italian accent

It's only happened once, but it was retarded enough to merit a mention here. Seriously, just don't.

And no, she was not joking around.

6. Butcher the pronunciation of "macchiato" six times in my ear in drive-thru

"I'll have a grande, what the fuck is that? Mashiata? Mashiatti? Mackiatti? What the hell?"

MA-KEE-A-TOE. Not hard. If you must mispronounce it once, I could really give a fuck, but to do it repeatedly and not get it right even once is a bit much.

7. Ask me to remake your cappuccino because it's too wet, watch me remake it dry for you, don't say anything while I am pouring it even as I look at you for approval, then when I hand it to you lift them both to test and then TAKE THE FIRST ONE.

Enough said.

7b. Order more than three cappuccinos during a rush

Cappuccinos are a pain in the fucking ass to make, and here's why:

For each drink, you need to steam a fresh pitcher of milk. This takes time. You cannot re-steam the foam from the last pitcher, the foam won't be right. We cannot let it sit there and steam while we do other things, you have to hold it and pull it down for a bit so the foam gets poofy. If you order more than a couple, you WILL be holding up the line. As a matter of fact, I just might make the drinks for the people behind you first so they won't have to wait as a result of your prissy bitchery. (our store has that retarded new layout where there is one person barring for front and drivethru, so if someone comes in and orders six fucking cappuccinos, yes, that has happened, they are holding up front AND drivethru.)

8. Bitch about prices

This goes for ANYWHERE. When will you assholes understand that as a universal fucking rule, NO ONE AT THE STORE LEVEL OF ANY MAJOR CORPORATION HAS A GODDAMN THING TO DO WITH SETTING PRICES AND DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO CHANGE THEM?!! Jesus Henry Christ, put some thought into this!

9. Refuse to open your window all the way because it's OMGZ SO COLD

CUT IT OUT. I'm hanging out this window for eight goddamn hours and I don't even have a coat. You're sitting in your warm car all bundled up, it won't kill you to open your window wide enough to admit the venti clusterfuckaccino you just could not be arsed to get out of your car for.

10. Pay for your $1.69 tall coffee with a fifty or hundred

Our $20s are kept in small safes that we can't open. So no, we can't break that with $20s. I can, however, give you a fat handful of fives and singles. :D Enjoy!

11. Give me trash to throw out for you in drivethru

A) Health code violation
B) THERE IS A FUCKING TRASHCAN TEN FEET AHEAD OF YOU, FOR FUCKSAKES

12. Come through drivethru yapping on your cell phone

This causes a multitude of problems.

I can't tell if you're talking to me or the person on the other end, you're not paying attention, I can hear everything you fucking say, and you are liable to ignore me when I repeat the order back to you, the order that you don't even remember the contents of because you're telling Trishelle about your new shoes, and then you are going to bitch at me that the order is wrong even though BOTH times I read it back to you you okayed it, because YOUR GHETTO ASS WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

I seriously think we need to start refusing service to people who come through drivethru while on their cellphones. Not only does it cause the aforementioned problems, but they're also breaking the law :D

13. Come through drivethru with a van full of kids and don't think to ask them what they want until you are at the speaker

This was the only time I have ever turned off my headset and asked the shift if we could tell people to get out of line until they knew what they wanted. She was there at the speaker for TEN FUCKING MINUTES, asking an entire fucking peewee hockey team (sounded like it anyway) what they wanted, asking what each individual drink was, etc etc.

DIE.

14. Order a drink with a ton of complicated-ass modifiers, some of which can only be entered into the register as "ASK ME," then pull away before I can confirm the order

You thought you were saving time! But now the barista can't make your drink until you are at the window and I can make sure I got all that shit in right! HAHAHA!

Besides, pulling away before I can even say anything is fucking rude.

AHHHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

http://marchtogether.blogspot.com/2006/07/murder-without-conscience.html

Quick, read the comments! All 700+ of them, as of right now!

Oh, you pro-lifers are such a stitch!

EDIT TO ADD: http://marchtogether.blogspot.com/ Holy damn, the author STILL doesn't get it. Way to go, Jesus! *thumbs up*